Carry On

So this is a somewhat inevitable post, yet it is one I am having some difficulty writing. "Coming out" sounds like an event- a one-time deal, where you put your soul on display, and prepare yourself for an onslaught of criticism that may or may not come. But it's not an event, it's a process. Maybe your parents know. Maybe people at work don't. Maybe at school you're a completely different person than you are at home. And maybe you have to "come out" several times, possibly even to the same people, because your sense of self is evolving constantly. You are a work in progress. We are all works in progress.

Sometimes I find myself asking, Why me? Why is this the path the gods have made for me? I don't have an answer, and I don't think I'm going to get one anytime soon. I don't like to indulge in that line of questioning, anyway. It's too easy for me to slip back into depression when I begin to feel sorry for myself.

In my journey through modern paganism, I have discovered plenty of men devoted to female deities. But I still think I turn a few heads when I say that I'm devoted to Artemis, and I identify as male. I have seen some pagans insist that Artemis hates men. In my experience, that's not true at all. Artemis came into my life at a time when I was first discovering my gender identity, and she's been with me ever since. When I've been scared that my identity meant that she'd abandon me, she's reminded me that she's still there, in big ways.

I don't like to talk too much about my gender in pagan spaces. More often than not, it's something I find embarrassing to bring up, even among people who know about such an intimate part of me as my spirituality. Revealing something like that about myself is somewhat exhilarating, but also really exhausting. But it's something I often need to talk about, even if I'd really rather not.

Some people will talk about magical names or craft names. I often think that Andrew is my magical name. It may not sound particularly spiritual, but for me, it is. It represents the will to find my own way through the forest, to listen to the voice inside of me that tells me what is right for me, to risk many things for the sake of integrity. What name could be more magical than that?

Right now, I'm uncertain of many things in my life. I don't really know where my journey to a truer sense of self will take me. I know it will probably be a difficult path, but I also know the consequences of not listening to my inner voice will be far worse than any danger I face by listening to it. And I know that I'm not alone. That is the most comforting thing of all.

"Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more." - Kansas, "Carry On Wayward Son"