Prayer and Patronage

The thread that holds the beads together is weak. The strand is not long enough to wear as a necklace and not short enough to wear as a bracelet. But it is nice to hold the beads in my hand. I suppose the crafting of the beads is an offering, but I think of the act of praying with them as my main gift.

It took a long time for me to call what I do prayer. In my earliest days of polytheism, I associated prayer so much with my Catholic upbringing that I disliked the term. At the same time, I reassured my parents that magic was really just a kind of prayer. Since then I have come to understand that prayer and magic aren't equivalent, and that it isn't as simple as "Christians pray, pagans do magic."

Because I am a pagan, and I pray.

I pray in desperation. I pray in moments of joy. I pray when I want things, even if what I want is just to get closer to my gods and my ancestors. It is something I do often.

So today I made a set of beads for prayer. Prayer to one who has come into and out of my life often. It is perhaps regrettable that the string is probably not strong enough to survive much wear and tear. I cannot imagine myself carrying them with me into battle. But perhaps it is also a reminder that walking Her path is not all about war.

I used to be preoccupied with the idea of patronage. I wanted that kind of special relationship with a deity so badly that I felt that strongly about every deity that I met. Having a goddess directly tell me that that was not the nature of our relationship (and also that I wasn't ready to walk that path, anyway) altered my perception of what patronage was all about. I didn't realize how much having a patron involves having them work through you. No matter what you do, you are doing their work. At least, that is how I have experienced this.

But just because I do not have a relationship of patronage with Her does not mean She is not important to me. It does not mean that I don't feel a rush of emotion whenever She is honored. It does not negate the sense of kinship I feel whenever I am with Her people.

I have a feeling She is returning to my path again. Perhaps we will walk together a while. I'm not sure how long, and I'm not sure how complicated it might get. But through it all, I will remember to pray for Her guidance.